finally she surrendered

18 September 2014 - 06.25 West Indonesian Time

i received a phone call from my brother.

the phone that i knew i will receive one day, at an unpredictable time. 

"mom passed away." she finally surrendered.

three weeks before she fulfilled her final call, I visited her at the hospital.

she had been in the high care unit for nearly 2 weeks. never out from the hospital since the first time she rushed in. totally, one month and 6 days.

she had a tremendous flank bleeding.

that day i visited her, we had a very good talk. heart to heart. religious music that i played close to her ears very gentle accompanied her story. She said she was tired, and wish the final call will come soon. she was in tears, then she smiled. she hold my hand tightly, and I do not want to release her hand either. while i still can physically touch her.

i only can spend 3 days there, and have to go back to where I am now.

her condition going up and down, expanding the roller coaster mood in my mind. a hope still be lighted deep inside. 

the day she passed away, i went to the airport trying to get flight that can bring me back home. still in that kind situation, emotion should be suppressed into the lower limit, facing un-friendly ground handling of a famous (NON BUDGET) carrier. 

back to my hometown, approaching the funeral house, my feeling was really played. tears uncontrolled, knowing that very soon I will face the reality.

she was laid in her coffin. looks as she was sleeping. the requiem held. people gathered. she is a popular old lady. many friends. i was there but not really there. my mind wandering around. Jumping from one memory to another. 

the last song that I wanted to transfer to her is the below song: lagu untuk mama (song for mom). unfortunately, it was unable to transfer it on the day she started losing her consciousness, 2 days before her forever departure.

i wrote this note to remember my mom, and send her the song that i would like her to hear.

good bye mom. i miss you.

the happy madness

today, the calendar has shown the 21st day of october. 10 days to go to the end. the smell of the rainy season has already wafted in the air... somehow i can scent it. the tiny white flowers at my back yard started to blossom again, several new petals showing up too.

yesterday, i had a wonderful time with a friend, exploring many songs together. jazz tunes.... from old indonesian collection to western songs, jumped into some classic repertoires... back again to popular tunes..., a cup of coffee, balinese cakes, chit-chat, laughing.....in between..... a happy madness ... i would say ... (thank you sis).

when i said a happy madness.. my mind driven back to a song titled 'this happy madness' composed by antonio carlos jobim. the lyric was written by frank sinatra.

that song was re-recorded by stacey kent , in her new album  changing lights , which has just been released in the 16th of September 2013.

look at the following youtube record of the song: 

lyric:

What should I call this happy madness that I feel inside of me
Some kind of wild October gladness that I never thought I'd see
What has become of all my sadness all my endless lonely sighs
Where are my sorrows now

What happened to the frown and is that self contented clown 
Standing grinning in the mirror really me
I'd like to run through Central Park carve your initials in the bark
of every tree I pass for every one to see

I feel that I've gone back to childhood and I'm skipping through the wild wood
So excited that I don't know what to do
What do I care if I'm a juvenile I smile my secret little smile
Because I know the change in me is you

What should I call this happy madness all this unexpected joy
That turned the world into a baby's bouncing toy
The god's are laughing far above One of them gave a little shove
And I fell gaily gladly madly into love

thank you my warrior....
what should i call this happy madness that i feel inside of me
some kind of wild october gladness that I never thought I'd see
what has become of all my sadness all my endless lonely sighs
where are my sorrows now

because i know the change in me is you......